Rapscallion Rants with S.N. Mornington

So, my husband and I actually had to talk to our couple’s therapist about the racoons that seem to be taking over the world, or at least mine. I really don’t want to kill them because I love animals and even though they are destructive little fuckers, they still look cute on my live trail cam with their little burglar masks and OCD hand washing. So, I bought a live trap and in the past 3 weeks have live trapped six raccoons and taken them five miles out to drop them off at their new woodland paradise. I thought that I wouldn’t see any for a bit and then, holy shit, there they are. Well, there 2 more are. I’m also pretty sure that one of them gave me the middle finger as I stared out my living room window in surprise. I’ve provided the photo. You be the judge.

My husband is always bitching and saying, “Babe, we live in the woods. They are just looking for food.” And I’m like, yeah, I know. I get it, but they also destroy my nice shit outside. He went with me the first time to drop off a raccoon and he was freaking out. The raccoon was in the back of the SUV, in the live trap, just finishing off his peanut butter and cat food sandwich quietly, and my husband is frantically turning on the interior light and looking back at it over and over. “What if that fucker gets out of there?” I couldn’t help but to laugh out loud. The second night he asked me if I wanted him to go with me and I firmly said, “No.” BTW, his argument for me transporting the raccoons alive and well to our couple’s therapist was, “It’s illegal to separate families like that!” I love that man.

So, for now, they are going to be roaming around out there, knocking over my shit and doing their OCD hand washing in my bird bath; making sounds like it’s fucking demon night outside.